R.E.S.P.E.C.T, find out what it means to me

Their are always these spoken/unspoken rules that come attached with being black (with regards to culture). Like don’t live with your bf before you are married, your parent is always right (even if they are wrong), above all always respect your elders and so on.

Now normally I have no problems with these rules, but the events of my life this past year have made me take a different stance on things. This is when I just want to call bullshit, on the crap our parents feed us. My mother and I have never been all that close, and it honestly got worse when I was about 11/12 and she “found Jesus”’. This is when the judging began in earnest, me getting piercings was suddenly the “work of the devil”, how me chasing the greed dragon would end up making me promiscuous and I would end up having AIDS (because God showed her this in a dream) and all sorts of things. It took meeting my P.I.C (partner in criminology) for me to finally be honest with myself and admit that I did not like my mother very much. I don’t like her as a person, I don’t like her as a parent and after the dust had settled after the whole saga and I finally accepted that she put her current boyfriend above me feeling safe and comfortable in my own home I realised I don’t even respect her as a woman.

I feel like this makes me sad, and because I chose to keep silent about what was going on (after I packed my fucking bags and left on my own terms) I found out she has been spouting shit with family as f I’m somehow in the wrong. With black parents trust and respect are things we are expected to give, yet they are never earned. I will forever be baffled by my one aunts response about this situation, she tried to get me to have a talk with my mother (which till this day I still refuse to do) and some of the responses my aunt relayed back to me just did not make me feel at ease. I think the one I will always remember was my mothers supposed response to the bf and the gun incident, apparently she said “he wasn’t going to do anything with it”.

I’m joining the fuck that shit movement, I am growing up and I refuse to just hand out respect that is not earned. Trust and respect shouldn’t be handed out just because a person is older than you. Parents take advantage of this and end up not even trying to earn your trust and respect, they just assume it is given and then take it for granted.

Everyday I realise that life teaches you some harsh lessons, some of those are unexpected and not very welcome. But I guess that is the curse of growing up, you learn and get hurt at some point which is the nature of adulthood.

This is me… learning that growing up has growing pains… and wounds heal (well I fucking hope so)

P.S well you are now learning about my scatterbrain and lack of motivation on some days.

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